Two things I really hate about grief, and one I had forgotten about. The emotional ambushes, and how three months later when everything feels somewhat normal, the grief intensifies. I was hit with a one-two punch, and then grief’s tangled emotions kicked me while I laid there.
I was on the way to work when the bottom fell out, my mood crashing. The two dominant feelings were ‘I don’t care’, and ‘I hate _____’. It just seesawed between the two.
My default pattern is to try to divorce myself from feeling and get analytical. It didn’t work–isn’t healthy either–the thoughts riding the waves of emotions. I thought about what I loved, what I felt alive doing, which is when I help others, or write something that helps or teaches others. Thoughts about quitting, thoughts on maybe adopting, all rolling through.
All big decisions shouldn’t be made in the center of grief for just this reason. You’re not clear-headed. It felt like I was always at the center of grief though. So I leaned into it so it wouldn’t knock me off my feet as it passed by.
I couldn’t concentrate, so I pulled up my Batman comics off of Comixology to escape. I had really gravitated to the character after my godson’s accident. I could identify with Batman. It made me feel better after reading them.
Then another wave hit.
Jeez, this really is like ocean waves.
Surely Tomorrow Won’t Be As Bad
The next day wasn’t any better. I thought I was getting a weekend off, but it didn’t happen. Anger surged as I ranted in my journal. I wondered though, which part of it was grief, and which was my growing irritation of a skewed work/life balance?
Grief tends to color everything.
I went outside, but it was freezing. Grrr.
I escaped to the locker room to sit quietly in thought. A friend walked in, saying I looked peaceful. That’s just my naturally stoic expression, inside there was a storm. I entertained the idea of speaking with the church’s therapist. At one point I tried to cry and get it over with.
All the dark thoughts that I call the carnival in my head, a term stolen from my best friend, finally abated. Then the music started again.
Everything finally quieted, and a sense of peace fell over me.
I share this primarily to let you know if you feel like you’re losing your mind, it’s normal. It sucks, but it’s normal. You’re not alone in this. Go to griefshare.org to find groups near you, it helps.